Insert captain here: Chris Pine as Captain James T. Kirk, with Anton Yelchin as Pavel Chekov
The rebooted Star Trek universe has become a curious success story. The first entry, 2009’s minimalist-titled Star Trek, gave the franchise new vigour, while breaking the series’ longstanding ‘odds are bad, evens are great’ rule, being the eleventh adventure, and one of the betters. The less said about the 2013 ‘Rehash of Khan’ Star Trek Into Darkness, a cine-cesspool I have already emptied into at length, the better, but it’s fair to say that both films played a major role in giving their director J. J. Abrams the impetus to resurrect the flatlining Star Wars saga with last year’s Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Star Trek Beyond, the first of the series without Abrams in the captain’s seat, was likely to prove a challenge to succeed, and yet, here we are. It’s a fun ’un!
Originally set to be the directorial debut of Star Trek and STID (and, ugh, Transformers 2) co-writer Roberto Orci, that idea was thankfully jettisoned into space early on, like so much dead Spock. Justin Lin, whose revitalisation of the Fast & Furious franchise (entries 3 thru 6) will no doubt result in statues being built to his memory some day, was brought in to take the wheel. He’s suitably made it the most high-octane entry in the franchise’s history, no matter how much that jars with the legacy of a show about space diplomacy and thinly veiled arguments against racial prejudice. (Actually, come to think of it, given how racially progressive the Fast & Furious franchise became under Lin’s watch, maybe there’s a direct connection there…)
Lin directs from a script by Doug Jung and ensemble member Simon Pegg, which finds the crew of the Enterprise crash-landing on an uncharted planet, with an angry alien warlord hunting them. Our heroes Kirk (Chris Pine) and Spock (Zachary Quinto) are facing nicely paralleled mortality issues: Kirk has just passed the age his father was when he was killed in film 1; whereas Spock has just learned that his time-travelling alt-future self has died (allowing the film to delicately mourn Leonard Nimoy) – an intriguing metaphysical ball of angst that the film never dares dig into, but deserves much credit for addressing. The idea of the fear of death trickles in and out of the film, but it’s all just basic emotional dressing for the grander set pieces.
The first of these sees the Enterprise grounded as a fleet of compact armoured alien ships tears through its hull, whipping about in a swarm of black darts. It’s frightening stuff, although the speed of the ships (and their being black on black of space) does make it all a tad hard to see. That the starship’s fall to earth is with a crunching thud and not an enormous Bayhemic explosion is a rare but admirable show of restraint. The death toll unclear (thousands?), the villains seize most of the survivors, barring a few of our principles, of course. Scotty, absent for a sizeable chunk of STID, gets the most to do here; perhaps Simon Pegg taking advantage of his new status. He teams up with orphaned alien scavenger/engineer Jaylah (think Newt from Aliens mixed with, um, that guy Laurence Fishburne played in Predators) to help rescue the team and find their way off the planet. Jaylah, played by Kingsman henchman Sofia Boutella, is the film’s crowning glory – impish, stubborn, and extremely competent, never overly sexualised; she sits comfortably amongst the leading ladies of the recent feminist action hero wave.
You’ve got me on my knees, Jaylah: Sofia Boutella as alien newcomer Jaylah, with Spock (Zachary Quinto) and ‘Bones’ McCoy (Karl Urban)
When the crew finally reunites, it’s a few skirmishes to take down the villain (although thankfully there’s room between them to breathe, which was the undoing of STID). Lin determinedly inserts a motorbike for Kirk to ride both fast and moderately furiously. The Enterprise crew then goes up against the swarm again in a delightful over-the-top (and LOUD) space battle that is one of the most joyous in recent memory. It’s dumb fun made by smart people.
Like too many recent blockbusters, the villain is the weakest element. Played by Idris Elba in alien Nosferatu makeup so thick you’d never know it was him, Krall is another angry-with-the-system rebel, whose rants against the Federation sound more BREXIT than ISIS. As cool as his army of hive-minded spaceships is, his sinister plan to kill lots of people with a bio-weapon is so old-hat you’d imagine it was outlawed in the future along with anti-gay prejudice.
The design is solid, especially the space station Yorktown, which is all crisp white futurism and glass, but toys with gravity like Norman Foster playing Super Mario Galaxy. Lighting is all too dark in some sequences, and the edits during the action can be a little sharp, but mostly it’s a pleasantly bright and thrilling adventure, a strong blockbuster in a summer of flops and stillbirths. Even the acting has gotten better. Pegg no longer grates as Scotty, and Pine finally begins to feel right for the role of captain. Once again, Karl Urban steals the show as Dr. McCoy, given the best of the bantery dialogue to snarl in Spock’s face. Sadly, Zoe Saldana’s Uhura is largely sidelined, as is, more tragically, the late Anton Yelchin’s Chekov, a glorified extra in his last space adventure.
The old and the new: An iconic reference
It’s curious that the marketing for the film chose so strongly to reference the original 1979 Star Trek: The Motion Picture, the film in this series this latest least resembles. Beyond is a hyperactive adventure, contrasting sharply with the unjustly disliked but criminally overlong TMP, with its true-sci-fi mystery plot. But there are fleeting references, such as the villains in Beyond using old Starfleet probes for reconnaissance, while the “villain” of TMP was the Voyager probe made sentient. One shot, sped up to rapidly circle the entirety of the Enterprise in all its glory, seems to josh TMP’s notorious three-minute ogling of its famous model. Indeed, while Star Trek Beyond opens with Kirk suffering the malaise of his mission, and considering relinquishing the captaincy to become an admiral, TMP saw Kirk’s frustration with the admiralty return him to his rightful place. With Nimoy, and thus Spock-Prime, now gone, the original adventure is truly brought to a close. Star Trek Beyond is just another bump on the new road, but it’s one that offers one hell of a thrill.
If I’m to understand this correctly, California is the only American state right now not crippled by unnaturally cold February weather. And it’s a good thing too, or this weekend’s Oscars would feature 90 very unpleasant minutes on the white carpet, and those of us on the East Coast wouldn’t have good excuses to hide inside from the snow on a Sunday night.
So yes, it’s Academy Awards time again, that one magical time of the year where everyone cares as much about movies as I do. The theme for this year’s show is “Neil Patrick Harris finally gets to host the Oscars”, so there’s a lot of pressure on the Starship Troopers star to make sure MC stands for ‘most charming’.
Twelve months on from 12 Years a Slave’s deserved win, and 12 years are again a major contender – this time the 12 years of Mason Evans’s life in Boyhood. Richard Linklater’s film is surprisingly lo-fi for a Best Picture contender, but the scope of its production makes it that one-of-a-kind film the Academy occasionally like to acknowledge. But it’s not quite a given yet, with the likes of Birdman, The Grand Budapest Hotel and the struggling British scientist twins Hawking and Turing all viable contenders. There’s been a notable best picture/director split the last two years, also, and although Interstellar has been denied the role of this year’s Gravity, there’s still a good chance of the top film of the night won’t walk away with all the gold.
The big event no one is talking about is The Sound of Music 50th anniversary something-or-other we’re all going to be subjected to because AMPAS have officially run out of ideas for how to throw a party. The only way it’s going to be truly entertaining is if they just play this clip on a loop for five minutes.
Anyways, where was I?
Best Picture
Free Mason: Ellar Coltrane in Boyhood
Only eight nominees this time around? What does that say about the movies in 2014? And what was the point of the whole Dark Knight-inspired revival of up to 10 nominees if Interstellar was gonna get shut out? And where the hell is Nightcrawler on this list? Boyhood has all the prestige in its pocket, but it also comes with plenty of fatigue given its summer release and the endless parade of praise since its Sundance debut more than a year ago. It’s a deserving winner though, and it’s hard to pick out a true opponent. Birdman is just that bit too out there to take the prize, and Grand Budapest Hotel suffers from both fatigue and over-whimsy. The Imitation Game and The Theory of Everything would almost be shoe-ins in their own years (although the latter is a far more affecting film than the rather flaccid Turing tale), but I suspect they cancel one another out. Whiplash is terrific, but its real-world appeal is utterly overshadowed by Boyhood’s. American Sniper has courted so much ire and controversy it’s hard to see it taking the top prize, but then I remain astonished it was nominated in the first place – it has to be the weakest BP nominee since Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Selma follows a Black History winner last year, and despite some superbly staged scenes just cannot live up to 12 Years; it’s a worthy nominee, but not a deserving a winner.
Should win: Boyhood or Whiplash
Will win: Boyhood
Best Director
Period Piece: Ellar Coltrane and director Richard Linklater check out some very dated hardware
Bennett Miller (Foxcatcher) and Morten Tyldum (The Imitation Game) are the placeholders here, while a win for Wes Anderson would be more a career achievement prize than a win for GBH. Really it’s between Alejandro González Iñárritu and Linklater. Iñárritu has energy behind him after Alfonso Cuarón’s win last year, ut really it’s hard to imagine Linklater not taking this home for committing twelve years to such an ambitious and personal project.
Should win: Richard Linklater or Bennett Miller
Will win: Richard Linklater
Best Actor
A Short History of Hawking: Eddie Redmayne in The Theory of Everything
This one will go down to the very last vote. Michael Keaton has made an astonishing career comeback with Birdman, and it’s hard to know if he has another performance of this quality in him. But the astonishing physicality of Eddie Redmayne’s take on Stephen Hawking, which pushed through impression into a remarkably affecting conjuring of the scientist, is the sort of prestige performance the Academy adores. Steve Carell, Benedict Cumberbatch and Bradley Cooper can all sit this one out.
Should win: Michael Keaton or Eddie Redmayne
Will win: Eddie Redmayne
Best Actress
Forget-Me-Not: The internet assures me this is a picture of Julianne Moore in Still Alice
Julianne Moore seems anointed for Still Alice, although the film escaped me this awards season. Of the three performances I did catch, of Marion Cotillard, Rosamund Pike and Felicity Jones, all were stellar, although Jones did not completely carry her movie as the other two did.
Should win: Marion Cotillard or Rosamund Pike (but probably Julianne Moore?)
Will win: Julianne Moore
Best Supporting Actor
Srsly, no jk: Simmons offers a little encouragement to Miles Teller
Robert Duvall gets his pat on the back for still being with us and wonderful. Ethan Hawke wins the award for most eternally youthful, so doesn’t need an Oscar. Ed Norton gave one of the finest (and most entertaining) performances of his career in Birdman, while Mark Ruffalo was solid throughout Foxcatcher. But yeah, why am I still writing here? J.K. Simmons dominated Whiplash. This is all his.
Should win: J.K. Simmons
Will win: J.K. Simmons
Best Supporting Actress
The single parent trap: Patricia Arquette with Lorelei Linklater and Ellar Coltraine
Emma Stone would be a deserving winner for Birdman, but something tells me (and I think everyone else) that she has a lot more performances of this quality in her. Patricia Arquette, on the other hand, deserves this on the power of her final scene in Boyhood alone, in which she summons millennia of forgotten, neglected womanhood and channels it into a wail lightly tinged with ironic wit.
Should win: Patricia Arquette
Will win: Patricia Arquette
Best Original Screenplay
This is a tight one too. It would seem unfair for Linklater to take this, given the script was worked so much on the fly. Anderson has lost momentum too, and assumedly his script says “[funny cameo]” one too many times for it to be taken too seriously. Dan Gilroy’s screenplay for Nightcrawler is one of the most brilliantly dark works to come out of Hollywood in years, but it’s so scathing of the entertainment business it’s hard to imagine it getting a bite. The Birdman gang, whose praise for real artists is found on every page, will take this.
Should win: Dan Gilroy
Will win: Alejandro González Iñárritu, Nicolás Giacobone, Alexander Dinelaris, Jr. and Armando Bo
Best Adapted Screenplay
Whiplash would be a very deserving winner here, as would Paul Thomas Anderson, whose Inherent Vice, however incoherent at times, is loaded with punchy scenes and dialogue. This could be where American Sniper takes it, but somehow I suspect Graham Moore’s (lacklustre) screenplay for The Imitation Game will win for simplifying so much complicated science in the manner of a tour guide at Bletchley Park.
Should win: Damien Chazelle
Will win: Graham Moore
Best Animated Feature
Bewilderbeasting: A satirical cartoon depicting DreamWorks pressuring the Academy to vote for their shitty sequel
Why even bother? The Tale of the Princess Kaguya, assumedly Isao Takahata’s swansong, was probably the finest film of 2014. It’s hard to believe any of the Academy’s members even watched it. Song of the Sea was equally as enchanting if not quite as deep or visually mesmerising. But that’s all irrelevant. DreamWorks have shovelled out enough money to claim it for the bog-standard How to Train Your Dragon 2 (a film whose predecessor was superior to Oscar-winner Toy Story 3, back in the day). Likely to be the biggest farce of the night.
Should win: The Tale of the Princess Kaguya
Will win: How to Train Your Dragon 2
Best Animated Short
I waaaaaaaan’ it! Winston, the hero of Disney’s Feast
I’ve only seen Feast so I’m guessing Feast because I want a puppy and now I’m hungry.
Should win: Feast
Will win: Feast
Best Foreign Language Film
Ida-ntity crisis: Agata Trzebuchowska and Agata Kulesza take a break on their journey
Embarrassingly I have only seen Ida of this batch, but it is magnificent. I have yet to read a review of Leviathan that wasn’t overflowing with praise, but really this can only go to Ida, if only for proving that the Holocaust can still be mined for the most exceptional drama.
Should win: Ida
Will win: Ida
Best Documentary Feature
Metadata is betta’data: Edward Snowden breaks down some complex coding for Glenn Greenwald
Two warzone films (Last Days in Vietnam and Virunga). Two photographer films (Finding Vivian Maier and The Salt of the Earth). And then there’s the astonishing and frighteningly potent Citizenfour. Maier is the only real competition, but as incredible as its subject is the film itself is very blandly thrown together. Citizenfour on the other hand grips like a thriller and chills like a horror. We have to trust the Academy on this one.
Should win: Citizenfour
Will win: Citizenfour
Best Documentary Short
I promise one of these years I’ll see one of these, OK?
Best Live Action Short
Ugh now you’re just trying to make me feel bad.
Best Original Score
What is the sound of science? The big competitors here are Interstellar (Hans Zimmer), The Imitation Game (Alexandre Desplat), and The Theory of Everything (Jóhann Jóhannsson). Criminally locked-out of the major categories, Mr. Turner appears here for Gary Yershon’s score, but like Desplat’s Grand Budapest Hotel score both were less memorable in the face of such exquisite visuals.
Should win: Hans Zimmer or Jóhann Jóhannsson
Will win: Jóhann Jóhannsson
Best Original Song
Hey did you notice how I managed not to piss and moan about The Lego Movie getting cut out of Best Animated Feature? Well now I’m gonna! Because that was bullshit. But just because it was cut out does not mean it should be patronised with a bonus Oscar elsewhere. ‘Everything Is Awesome’ is amazing fun, but musically and thematically John Legend and Common’s ‘Glory’, from the also largely overlooked Selma, is probably the more deserving winner.
Should win: ‘Glory’
Will win: ‘Everything Is Awesome’
Best Sound Editing
Hey look the third Hobbit movie got a nomination for something! But no seriously fuck that movie. Birdman gets this.
Should win: Birdman
Will win: Birmdan
Best Sound Mixing
Oh right! The other sound one! This will be tight between Birdman and Whiplash, but I suspect the former has it as it goes for a minor technical sweep.
Should win: Birdman or Whiplash
Will win: Birdman
Best Production Design
Box art: Tony Revolori and Saoirse Ronan in The Grand Budapest Hotel
I’m sure I’ve made it very clear I am no fan of Wes Anderson’s latest, but even I think it would be criminal to let The Grand Budapest Hotel be beaten here, unless it was by the sensational Mr. Turner. But no, give it to Adam Stockhausen and Anna Pinnock, seriously.
Should win: The Grand Budapest Hotel or Mr. Turner
Will win: The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Cinematography
Flight the power: Michael Keaton takes to the skies in Birdman
Emmanuel Lubezki’s work on Birdman was that film’s greatest draw, but with a win for Gravity last year and up against the likes of Grand Budapest, Ida, and Mr. Turner it’s hard to just hand it to straight to him. But the Academy will.
Should win: Emmanuel Lubezki, Łukasz Żal and Ryszard Lenczewski (Ida), or Dick Pope (Mr. Turner)
Will win: Emmanuel Lubezki (Birdman)
Best Makeup and Hairstyling
Skin-jobs: Dave Bautista and Zoe Saldana show off some impressive full-body makeup
Steve Carell’s nose takes on Dave Bautista’s full-body tattoos. You just never know which way the Academy will go. I suspect the tremendous goodwill towards Guardians of the Galaxy will see it through.
Should win: Guardians of the Galaxy
Will win: Guardians of the Galaxy
Best Costume Design
Purple pros: Ralph Fiennes comforts Tilda Swinton in the lift of the Grand Budapest Hotel
This is the sort of place outsiders like Mr. Turner or Into the Woods could sneak one through. Even Maleficent got a nod here. If we take it the fairytales cancel one another out, that throws the period dramas up against one another. Inherent Vice could take it for cool, but I’d put my money on another win for the look of Grand Budapest Hotel
Should win: Inherent Vice
Will win: The Grand Budapest Hotel
Best Film Editing
There’s only two choices here: Whiplash for rhythm, or Boyhood for scope. If Boyhood doesn’t take this early, the rest of the night could go very differently to what’s expected, and you may then dismiss the entirety of this article.
Should win: Whiplash
Will win: Boyhood
Best Visual Effects
Spirit in the sky: Star-Lord’s ship the Milano flies over the planet Xandar
This is like making me choose between my children. I cannot remember the last time I would be delighted for any of the nominees to win. Captain America: The Winter Solider – fantastic. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes – fantastic. Guardians of the Galaxy – fantastic. Interstellar – fantastic. X-Men: Days of Future Past – fantastic. Not only are they great effects films, but they’re also probably the five best blockbusters of last year, with films like Transformers 4 and The Hobbit 3 getting deservedly cut. I dunno, I just want to congratulate the winner and move on.
Should win: Guardians of the Galaxy or Interstellar
Will win: Guardians of the Galaxy
And that’s all there is. I wish I could predict which winners will be booed or orchestra’d off the stage, but that’s a very different kind of Oscar prediction. We’ll know around this time tomorrow night anyways… See you back here then!
Heart of Darkness: Spock (Zachary Quinto) and Kirk (Chris Pine) interrogate John Harrison (Benedict Cumberbatch)
There is a scene early on in J.J. Abrams’s 2009 sci-fi reboot Star Trek where the young cadet James T. Kirk (Chris Pine) has a titillating roll around in bed with a beautiful, voluptuous and green-skinned woman who is also the roommate of another romantic interest. The scene more or less sums up the whole film: it’s flippant, sexy, fast-paced, raises the character drama and makes cute reference to the original Star Trek TV series, in which William Shatner’s Kirk once had a similar inter-species dalliance.
Suffering from a brutal case of sequelitis, that caustic condition whereby a follow-up film tries to up the game by doubling-up on what went right the first time, Abrams’s second Enterprise adventure, the grammatically topsy-turvy-titled Star Trek Into Darkness, features a similar scene early on in its duration. We cut to Captain Kirk’s bed-chambers to the double-screech of a scratched record which heralds some contemporary (for us) hip hop music, before the camera pans to reveal Kirk in bed with not one but two sexy aliens. As in the predecessor, this scene neatly sums up Into Darkness, but says very different things: it’s plotless, intellectually vacuous and desperate (and failing) to be cool. It’s also wildly inappropriate for a film that parents will no doubt bring young children to, but that isn’t exactly the case with the rest of the film. Thank heaven for small mercies.
We pick up a few years after the events of Star Trek, where the overly headstrong young Kirk is still captain of the Enterprise, seconded by the emotionally retentive half-Vulcan Spock (Zachary Quinto). Opening with a sequence as fun as anything the first film produced, in which the crew of the Enterprise stage an intervention on a savage planet to save its primitive lifeforms from a bubbling volcano, despite their code of ethics being opposed to such activities. Spock is nearly lost in the process and gets his pointy ears boxed by Kirk and girlfriend Uhura (Zoe Saldana) for not caring about the feelings of others. Thus begins a barely scripted piece of soul-searching for Spock that is somehow drawn out across this film’s 133-minute running-time.
Back on Earth, Kirk is given a dressing down of his own for disobeying orders, and is relieved of his command – this happens to three major characters in this film, and all are back at their posts by the story’s end; hitting the reset button and putting everyone back to where they were last film round is so much easier for writers than to come up with genuine obstacles the characters might face. But just as Kirk is getting used to being first officer again, disgruntled Starfleet officer John Harrison (Benedict Cumberbatch) begins a wave of terrorist attacks that puts the Federation on high alert. Enraged at the assault, Kirk is spurred towards taking a fiery vengeance on Harrison by militarist admiral Alexander Marcus (Peter Weller). Several increasingly superfluous action sequences follow.
The first 40 minutes or so of Star Trek Into Darkness zips along at a solid pace with some amusing scenes. Banter between Kirk and Spock about the latter’s failure to grasp basic concepts of human emotion provides some easy laughs, while a three-way argument on the same, drawing in Uhura, displays the finest dialogue the film has – a witty, Whedonesque scene of sniping back-and-forths.
But things shift for the worse when the Enterprise arrives at the Klingon homeworld, where Harrison is hiding out, safe from the Federation’s reach. But Admiral Marcus doesn’t care about the dangers of starting a war, and Kirk doesn’t care about rules. After a thrilling shuttle craft scene, a diplomatic incident on the Klingon planet turns into one of the messiest gun battles ever shown on screen – with Hunger Games levels of camera shaking and awkward cutting. In the aftermath, Harrison surrenders; anyone who’s seen a blockbuster in the last five years will know well what this means.
Courage under fire: Uhura (Zoe Saldana) in action
Long before its midpoint Star Trek Into Darkness descends into cliché, with the crew facing two antagonists and learning all too late which is the greater evil. Neither villain is properly defined, and much of the threat is based around knowledge of events that happened in the TV series and original films, which were set in a different universe to begin with. It’s like making a version of A Christmas Carol and forgetting to tell us why Scrooge is a miser (or for that matter, that he’s a miser). The film’s writers, returning duo Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman, and Prometheus-defiler Damon Liondelof, have taken almost no effort to recreate these characters, copying and pasting from earlier works. A late scene is a direct re-enactment of one of the finest scenes from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, with none of the emotional or dramatic weight of its predecessor. Two famous lines are recycled from that film; the first cleverly, the second showing a failure on behalf of the writers to grasp basic concepts of drama, language or time. All this is is regurgitation; swallowing a feast of adventurous sci-fi and ejaculating it in a flurry of bile back onto the screen – then flaring the lens with enough lights so you can’t see the gooey chunks.
Sure, the crew are all fine, but they’re very much on auto-pilot following their first outing together. John Cho’s Sulu gets one great scene, but it is stolen from him by Karl Urban’s Dr. McCoy, which continues to be the stand-out performance in this series. Simon Pegg’s Scotty has more direction this time, and more to do, but the character is still played far too much for laughs.
As for Cumberbatch, one of the finest actors of his generation, he does good work here. His downcast, beady eyes inspire a menace that the script cannot back up. When Harrison weeps, we see Cumberbatch acting so well at weeping, but cannot believe in the character despite the performer’s great work. Hopefully this will not be the villain role for which Cumberbatch is remembered. There are many out there better for him; indeed his dual villainous roles in The Hobbit may yet inspire the right level of dread.
Star Trek Into Darkness looks divine, for the most part, and it’s hard to fault the production design. The futuristic updates of London and San Francisco look superb, the former putting the future London of last year’s Total Recall to shame. The design of the Klingon ships is some of the best spacecraft design seen since Return of the Jedi. The most dazzling moments come whenever the Enterprise enters into warp speed, leaving behind it a luminous blue vapour trail that lingers in the vacuum of space before dissolving – it’s a superb image that captures the grandeur of the Star Trek universe.
Sinking into the clouds: The Enterprise in peril
But despite all the gloss (there are thankfully fewer lens flares this go-around, though still too many), the stylish design and Michael Giacchino’s enthusiastic score can’t save the pacing. The final half hour is given over to an endless tirade of action sequences that call to mind the seemingly never-ending finale of Star Wars: Attack of the Clones. Beginning with an excellent sequence in which Kirk torpedoes himself through space from one ship to another, this moment is rapidly followed by a fist fight, a shootout, a photon bombardment, a ship crash, a foot chase and another fist fight. To add insult to injury, this rigmarole of energy culminates in a deus ex machina so ridiculous it would cause J.K. Rowling to spit up blood.
What grates the most is the story, which laboriously draws on recent memories of the War on Terror for inspiration. A vicious terrorist is tracked into hostile territory, but the militant wing of a force for good in the universe decides to hunt him there no matter the cost. It’s all 10 years too late – not to mention how ridiculous the idea of a military junta seizing power in San Francisco is. Star Trek Into Darkness displays the political knowhow of a civics paper written by a 15-year-old whose abiding memory of 9/11 is of the news-coverage cutting into his favourite cartoons. Hiccoughs in the first Star Trek screenplay could be blamed on the Writers’ Strike of 2007/’08. Here there is simply no excuse for this inane refuse.
Plodding, under-written, over-produced, with exhaustingly endless action scenes and “clever” references to previous film properties, Into Darkness is the Van Helsing of Star Trek films, a beautiful misery that will excite as many as it will disappoint.
Last year life got a little in the way of some good old-fashioned live-blogging, so this year there’s simply no excuse. It’s gonna be a long night… good thing I stocked up on supplies. For those of you joining me from East of USA, start the coffee now (and have a reserve Red Bull tucked away at the back of the fridge). For those of you in the US and Canada, welcome, be grateful for your timezone and be understanding of the several typos that follow – things won’t kick off ’til after 1am and I won’t be watching what the keyboard.
If you missed my predictions, check them out here, but in short Argo for Best Picture, Spielberg for Best Director and a cleanish sweep of the technicals for Life of Pi.
Be sure to check back here as events on the red carpet, and later and more importantly the Awards themselves, kick off. As always I will be simultaneously live-tweeting on @DeusExCinema.
See you back here in a little bit…
[all times are in Pacific Time. Add eight hours to comprehend how tired I am]
3:20pm – OK, here we go.
3:22pm – Jessica Chastain looks sensational. If her dress was a little more gold she’d be an award statuette herself.
3.27pm – Amy Adams does not like Ryan Seacrest much. Also, her dress looks it would be good for dusting.
3.28pm – Samantha Barks’s dress! Give it the Oscars! All the Oscars!
3.30pm – Reese Witherspoon looks better than many of the nominees. Good dress, great hair. Now all she needs is a good movie.
3.32pm – Channing Tatum. So hot right now. Never gonna win an Oscar though.
3.34pm – Quvenzhané Wallis’s little princess outfit is perfect. She looks like Tiana in The Princess and the Frog. Ryan Seacrest is the frog.
3.37pm – Taking Octavia Spencer after her recent cameo in 30 Rock is not very easy.
3.43pm – Kerry Washington has just been talking to Ryan Seacrest longer than she was in Django Unchained.
3.46pm – In my head I imagine Jacki Weaver is married to Cloud Atlas star Hugo Weaver.
3.49pm – Kelly Osbourne’s hair is a colour I describe as dead pink.
3.51pm – Love Amanda Seyfried’s dress. She looks superb, but did she drive to the Oscars with the top down?
3.52pm – THAT’S what every Oscars has been missing up to now – Bryan Cranston!
3.54pm – Jennifer Lawrence; looking perfect, if a little minimalist. Dress isn’t exactly… accentuating anything…
3.59pm – Not liking Sally Field’s dress. Also, why is Joseph Gordon-Levitt talking in that deeper-than-usual voice?
4.03pm – Jennifer Hudson looks better and better every year. Does she still do movies though?
4.05pm – Is it just me, or is the red carpet actually kind of mauve?
4.07pm – Anyone else want Channing Tatum’s baby to be born during the show?
4.12pm – Catherine Zeta-Jones looking like a Valkyrie. Michael Douglas looking healthy. Things we like to see.
4.14pm – Helen Hunt looks like she just showed up for the 1998 Oscars. Still as good as it gets, apparently.
4.17pm – I can’t make fun of Christoph Waltz’s hispter glasses because my new glasses are sadly very similar.
4.18pm – Argo or Lincoln… who cares? Anne Hathaway’s dress is clearly going to be the most divisive issue of the night.
4.20pm – Naomi Watts came to the Oscars wearing Nicole Kidman’s skin.
4.22pm – Charlize Theron is still the best-looking woman in Hollywood. Unless, as her last film suggests, you count Kirsten Stewart.
4.27pm – Bradley Cooper’s hair is more handsome than my face.
4.45pm – Adele looks totally ready for the 1965 Oscars.
4.47pm – Nicole Kidman is dressed like an evil female Oscar. I kind of love it.
4.51pm – I wish Hugh Jackman wasn’t so charming, I’ll feel bad now when he loses to Day-Lewis.
5.01pm – Somehow Jennifer Aniston’s red dress clashes with the red carpet. Someone did their job wrong.
5.03pm – And Jennifer Garner’s (stunning) mauve dress matches the red carpet! What is going on?!?
5.05pm – Halle Berry: “I’ve never been more proud to be part of a franchise as that one (Bond).” Sucks to be the X-Men franchise right now.
5.15pm – Jamie Foxx’s grey tux has more personality than Jamie Foxx.
5.19pm – No, seriously, is it the Oscars yet?
5.24pm – Renée Zellweger is ready for the Space Oscars!
5.30pm – Here we go! Seth MacFarlane, you are very welcome.
5.31pm – Making Tommy Lee Jones laugh on the first beat. Terrific comedy.
5.32pm – And a direct swipe at the Oscars for snubbing Ben Affleck. Wow, amazing start.
5.34pm – “If you bumped into Don Cheadle on the studio set, did you try and free him?” Seth to DDL on his method.
5.36pm – William Shatner cameo! This is pure Family Guy.
5.38pm – A jaunty musical number about boobs. Shame it’s pre-recorded.
5.40pm – Channing Tatum dancing with Charlize Theron. The world cannot handle this much sex appeal.
5.42pm – Flight done with sock-puppets. I now never need to see that film.
5.43pm – And now MacFarlane is singing with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe this is properly entertaining stuff.
5.45pm – Gidget jokes! I get these now!
5.47pm – And a parody of Be Our Guest. This is far more Beauty than Beast.
5.49pm – Octavia Spencer presenting Best Supporting Actor. All of the nominees have an Oscar already. Huh. Hoping for Jones, but we’ll see.
5.50pm – Christoph Waltz wins! For basically an identical role to the won he already won for! Hooray!
5.52pm – Waltz quotes Tarantino at Tarantino. Surely Tarantino quotes Tarantino at himself often enough.
5.57pm – Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy here to be loud and silly. I have no problem with this as long as it’s short.
5.58pm – Yes, that went on too long. Now, Best Animated Short.
5.59pm – Paperman wins. Very deserving. Gorgeous film. Plus I called it. So yeah. I win!
6.00pm – Best Animated Feature goes to Brave. Controversial stuff. Gutted for The Pirates! and Wreck-It Ralph.
6.02pm – Reese Witherspoon is here to look amazing. Also to talk about Life of Les Beasts of the Misérable Pi.
6.04pm – Quevenzhané Wallis looks delighted to be mentioned by the voice of Stewie Griffin.
6.06pm – The cast of The Avengers are here to make sure that people care about cinematography. This is good for everyone.
6.07pm – Claudio Miranda wins for Life of Pi. Superbly deserving.
6.09pm – Claudio Miranda should also win for Best Hair.
6.10pm – Best Visual Effects goes to…
6.11pm – Life of Pi! I called a clean sweep of technicals. Think I may have been right…
6.13pm – Oh wow, that may have been the most embarrassing musical ushering off stage I have ever seen.
6.17pm – Channing Tatum and Jennifer Aniston make an odd couple. Here they are to prepare us for the “less interesting” styley awards.
6.18pm – Anna Karenina gets the costume nod. Hugely deservingly. I think I called that. Did I call that?
6.20pm – And now Best Makeup goes to Les Misérables. Didn’t see that one coming at all.
6.21pm – Halle Berry is here to launch the Bond love-in. Even though she may be the worst Bond girl ever. I think we’ll all die another day.
6.24pm – Well now I just want to watch Bond films…
6.26pm – Shirley Bassey. Goodness!
6.28pm – Auric Goldfinger would be pissed to realise Oscars are only covered in a very thin layer of gold.
6.32pm – *snooze* Jamie Foxx and Kerry Washington out on stage to some very dull applause.
6.34pm – Best Short Film goes to Curfew. I did not see it, so have no comment to make. I’ll be over here when you need me.
6.36pm – Oh, Washington and Foxx are still there. Best Documentary Short goes to Inocente.
6.38pm – Liam Neeson is here to be badass.
6.39pm – Oooh, here come some clips from Argo Dark Lincoln.
6.42pm – “150 years and it’s still too soon.” MacFarlane got gasps there with a Lincoln assassination joke.
6.43pm – Ben Affleck is here to talk about documentaries. And to talk a swipe at Seth. Ouch.
6.44pm – Searching For Sugarman takes Best Documentary! I didn’t see it, but I sure as hell called it!
6.46pm – MacFarlane makes a quick stab at Prometheus. I’ll allow it.
6.50pm – Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain come on stage to the Cinema Paradiso theme. Now I’m just thinking of kissing in the rain…
6.51pm – If Amour doesn’t take Best Foreign Language Film this’ll be a big upset… and it does!
6.52pm – Michael Haneke seems a surprisingly chirpy fellow.
6.54pm – John Travolta looking suspiciously young is here present a celebration of recent movie musicals. Some of them are going to be awful.
6.56pm – I really dislike Chicago. The movie. The music. This is not pleasant.
6.57pm – That said, I probably hated Dreamgirls even more. Just get to Les Mis already!
6.59pm – But yeah, Jennifer Hudson can seriously damn well sing!
7.01pm – Excellent, sounds like the Les Mis crowd are doing ‘One Day More’. Epic tune.
7.02pm – This is a superb medley. And everyone looks fantastic.
7.05pm – OK, so the set-up is stolen from the 25th Anniversary Les Mis concert. But they’ve kind of killed it. Better than in the movie!
7.07pm – The upcoming films advertised in the ad breaks look almost universally terrible.
7.09pm – Here’s Chris Pine, our second Captain Kirk of the night, to regale us with a “previously on the Oscars” about the tech awards with Zoe Saldana.
7.12pm – Oh, OK, Ted and Mark Wahlberg are here. What are the audience seeing right now?
7.13pm – Best Sound Mixing goes Les Misérables. Deserved I guess.
7.15pm – Slightly dodgy Jewish jokes from Ted there. Sure they went down a treat with the audience.
7.16pm – Best Sound Editing is a tie! This very rarely happens. Zero Dark Thirty takes the first…
7.17pm – Skyfall takes the second! A huge surprise, but a great win!
7.19pm – Christopher Plummer welcomed onstage with a MacFarlane-esque movie reference. Clever stuff.
7.20pm – This is a rather lovely intro from Plummer to the Best Supporting Actress nominees.
7.22pm – If Anne Hathaway doesn’t win the world may vomit. Just a universal vomit.
7.23pm – Thank god. I wanted to keep down all this beer and popcorn.
7.24pm – It’s not an Oscars ’til there’s a hint of tears. Nice job Anne Hathaway!
7.30pm – Brief discussion about the upcoming Academy Museum. I like to work in film museums. Can I work there please?
7.32pm – Sandra Bullock is here to give out the editing award. One of the most important of all – let it never be forgotten. I called Argo.
7.34pm – And how right I was! Argo takes Best Editing. William Goldenberg did a terrific job, especially in the opening scenes.
7.35pm – Jennifer Lawrence and her Metroid dress introduce Adele to sing ‘Skyfall’. Wonder if it’ll win Best Song later…
7.38pm – Great performance of a great song. Worried Shirley Bassey is gonna kick Adele’s ass backstage after for stealing her thunder.
7.44pm – Nicole Kidman is here to tell us a little about Silver Django’s Amour.
7.48pm – Daniel Radcliffe and an amusingly hobbling Kristen Stewart, who keeps grunting in pain, announcing nominees for Production Design.
7.49pm – Lincoln takes it! I think I actually called that one! Hooray for Lincoln! Hooray for me!
7.52pm – Salma Hayek, looking like an exotic princess from a Pink Panther movie, tells us about some people who won some nice awards for niceness.
7.57pm – George Clooney, proving with his grey beard that time rolls forever onward, reminds us of those we’ve lost. Tears time!
8.01pm – A lot of sad losses this year, from Borgnine to Tony Scott. But the big surprise is Barbra Streisand coming out to sing ‘The Way We Were’. Fitting.
8.09pm – Chicago being honoured for no great reason. Oh wait, it’s to announce the Best Score award. That… sort of makes sense.
8.11pm – Another envelope struggle and… Life of Pi wins it! That puts it well in the lead tonight!
8.13pm – Best Song goes to ‘Skyfall’ or I know nothing of the Oscars.
8.15pm – Norah Jones performs ‘Everybody Needs a Best Friend’ from Ted, co-written by host Seth MacFarlane. A nice touch.
8.17pm – But still Adele takes it, and she weeps. Thank goodness, we’re overdue some proper tears!
8.19pm – Yet another ad break. And still six awards to go. Getting sleepy…
8.23pm – Dustin Hoffman propping up Charlize Theron. The unoriginal odd couple. Now some writing awards.
8.24pm – Best Adapted Screenplay. This could go almost anywhere…
8.25pm – Chris Terrio wins for Argo! Pretty much seals the deal for Best Picture later…
8.26pm – A great, rapidfire speech about the good of solving troubles non-violently there.
8.27pm – Somewhat disgracefully, Quentin Tarantino takes Best Original Screenplay for Django Unchained.
8.28pm – Tarantino takes a moment to thank people other than himself. Good for him.
8.33pm – Some good gags from MacFarlane there to bring out Jane Fonda and Michael Douglas, children of Hollywood legends.
8.34pm – Though my goodness Jane Fonda’s dress is loud! Best Director is on the way…
8.35pm – Shock and terror! Ang Lee takes it for Life of Pi! This could mean a lot of things. Terrible for Spielberg, but a deserved win all the same.
8.35pm – “Thank you movie god.” – Ang Lee
8.40pm – And Jean Dujardin is here to present Best Actress. There may some swooning.
8.43pm – I know I’ve called this for Lawrence already, but now I just don’t know…
8.44pm – But I was right! And then she fell on the steps going up. At least she made a gag about it!
8.45pm – A good quick speech by Jennifer Lawrence there. Now Meryl Streep is here to give Daniel Day-Lewis something.
8.48pm – Three for you Day-Lewis. You go Day-Lewis.
8.50pm – Standing ovation for a charmingly beffudled Day-Lewis. Who makes a great joke to Streep about swapping Lincoln for Thatcher.
8.52pm – A brilliantly worded and emotive speech there. Day-Lewis did the tall man proud.
8.52pm – Jack Nicholson to give out Best Picture. Surely it’s Argo…
8.53pm – Nicholson joined via videolink by Michelle Obama from the White House. What a brilliant, if strange, surprise!
8.56pm – Michelle Obama announces it for Argo! No big surprise, other than in the way it was read out.
8.58pm – Did George Clooney really need another Oscar? Stupid perfect Clooney.
8.59pm – Ben Affleck given the nod to discuss the film as its director. The whole team seem a little upset at him not getting that nomination.
9.00pm – Ah, but can Ben Affleck win an Oscar for acting?
9.01pm – Kristen Chenoweth joins Seth MacFarlane on stage to sing a song for the losers. The credits roll, no one really cares any more.
9.05pm – And that’s the end. A decent show. With the exception of the gongs for Django and Brave‘s win, I am very happy with the night.
9.08pm – OK, that’s me wrapped for another year. Now to look forward to tomorrow when the average person once again no longer cares very much about the movies. Oh well, it’s always good while it lasts. Hope you enjoyed following. Good night to all!
My return to the blogosphere has been nicely timed to coincide with this year’s Oscars. As I did last year, I will be keeping my thoughts rolled out here as the night develops. Hopefully it will be a fun one, there’s definitely more room for controversy than last year. The double hosting act of Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin is an interesting one; Baldwin is at the top of his comedic game right now and Martin has managed to stay away from bad comedies sufficiently of late to be forgiven his trespasses. Although one can’t help but feel they may have missed a big chance to win a larger audience for their modestly received It’s Complicated, released a few months back.
My money is unfortunately on Avatar to take Best Picture, although there is still hope that The Hurt Locker might unseat it. Other worthy contenders such as Up, A Serious Man and Up in the Air, and indeed District 9 (hardly amazing but certainly a more worthy winner than Avatar) seem to have hardly any hope at all of winning the top award. That said, if Kathryn Bigelow can at least take Best Director the night will not be a complete disaster should Avatar win Best Picture and prove you can just fire as much money as possible at the screen and eventually people will give you prizes.
Indeed, a contest of similar intrigue has emerged in the Best Foreign Language category, where the frankly haunting The White Ribbon goes up against the outstanding A Prophet. While Hollywood may not care, it will be the big one for cinéastes to watch, aside from the battle of the mainstream behemoth and the indie upstart waged by exes James Cameron and Bigelow.
Up has Animated Feature in the bag, and will hopefully at the very least take home Best Score. The beautiful and charming film’s five nominations very much speak for themselves.
As for actors, Jeff Bridges, Sandra Bullock, Mo’Nique and Christoph Waltz seem to have their four categories all cornered. Only a surprise upset in Best Actress looks at all probable, and not very at that.
Proper commentary will resume later this evening, in the meantime I must feed and prepare for the all-night event.
In the meantime, bask in the glory of this wonderful pisstake trailer for every Oscar-winning film ever from Cracked.com…
The following takes place between 3.30pm and 9pm
Events occur in real Pacific Standard Time.
3.38pm – James Cameron is selling his wife’s dress as “Na’vi blue”. Wonder what colour Kathryn Bigelow is wearing…?
3.39pm – Vera Farminga looks amazing, although her dress looks like it might come alive an devour her.
3.44pm – E! Entertainment TV are carrying considerably less obnoxious coverage of the red carpet than Sky, so looks like I’ll be following them for the next 90 minutes or so. Just in case you needed a point of reference.
3.49pm – Is Sigourney Weaver wearing a blood-red toga?
3.51pm – Lots of nice dresses, nothing mind-blowingly stunning or godawful yet though. And no outlandish variations on the tux either. The next hour could well be hell. Why am I even live-blogging the red carpet at all?
3.57pm – For the record, the following films are the main contenders tonight that, for a number reasons (including at least one that has yet to come out in Ireland) I have yet to see: Precious…, The Blind Side, An Education, The Last Station, A Single Man, Julie and Julia, Invictus. Just so that we’re on the level here.
4.01pm – A part of me is hopeful for Sandra Bullock, as she’s one of those actresses who has always been likeable but you just assumed she would never win an Oscar. I mean The Net, Two Weeks Notice, All About Steve. She’s so feisty that no matter what trash she makes you can’t quite bring yourself to hate her.
4.03pm – Amanda Seyfried is still the perfect woman. I know I said it last year, but seriously, who in the last year has challenged her crown?
4.05pm – So what, Crazy Heart gets a few nominations and suddenly every country/western singer gets an Oscar invite?
4.06pm – Miley Cyrus’s dress appears to be made out of bra.
4.08pm – Antonio Banderas appears to be preparing for his role as Saddam Hussein. In… a film I just made up?
4.13pm – Who the hell is Elizabeth Banks? Why am I only discovering Elizabeth Banks this evening? And by this evening, I mean it’s long after midnight…
4.15pm – Sarah Jessica Parker is wearing a beautiful silk… sack. It’s a sack.
4.17pm – How tall is Kathryn Bigelow? As a talentless male I like to think that an Oscar-nominated director would be as unattractive as she is talented. But nope, she’s just a bit yummy. There, I said it.
4.19pm – Charlize Theron looks like a delicious frosted cake. Her dress invites far too many suggestive jokes. I’ll keep quiet.
4.25pm – I wonder was Nelson Mandela invited… and what did he RSVP?
4.28pm – Damn you Colin Firth, so darn charming!
4.29pm – Can someone clear this up for me, is George Clooney grey or not? He looks like he’s half-dyed his hair sandy.
4.31pm – Meryl Streep’s dress looks like it’s made out of cream, smoothly flowing cream. It’s good.
4.39pm – Poor Keanu Reeves, he’ll never win an Oscar. Tonight Sandra Bullock leaves him behind.
4.43pm – Robert Downey Jr is the first major black-tie breaker, wearing a teal bowtie. Yes, that’s right, I know the colour teal!
4.52pm – As ever, Kate Winslet looks enchanting. Nothing I say here can add to how wonderful she looks in that dress.
4.58pm – Ha! Remember Cameron Diaz.
5.09pm – Anna Kendrick looks like a pink Grecian goddess. Where did she come from this past year? And how our lives have been made better. Well, not counting that Twilight nonsense.
5.12pm – Zoe Saldana’s dress looks like someone ate a Na’vi then threw it back up on her.
5.27pm – Good lord who let Nicole Richie in?
5.30pm – And we’re off! So the last two hours were pointless then?
5.32pm – Eugh, the stars are a bit pointlessly on display here. Why are the Oscars always looking for new means to make sales pitches?
5.33pm – Yay! Neil Patrick Harris!
5.34pm – Singing a solo number about the need for duets. Irony!
5.35pm – Jeff Bridges does not look impressed.
5.35pm – Here come the boys…
5.36pm – A few light stabs at Hollywood now. Fun times.
5.38pm – Meryl Streep threesome gag, they’re totally going for an It’s Complicated DVD push.
5.39pm – Alec Baldwin’s delivery is way off. Not a good start.
5.40pm – Martin and Baldwin are harassed by Avatar forest creatures. What is this, Family Guy?
5.44pm – Penelope Cruz presents the first award. My those two were quite embarrassing. Penelope’s dress looks like fire. In all the best ways.
5.46pm – Christoph Waltz came from nowhere this year with knowing but a broad knowledge of languages and a knife and fork with which to devour scenery. If he doesn’t win, then this whole night could go in any direction.
5.48pm – Phew. Thought we were going to have a night of surprises there.
5.49pm – That’s an über-bingo.
5.52pm – Wow, ads already? We’ve only had one award. Have I missed something, what’s will all this (fake?) animosity between the hosts and George Clooney?
5.56pm – Cameron Diaz and Steve Carrell, make a mess of it all. Ouch. Animated characters talk about being nominated. Fun stuff!
5.58pm – Yay! Dug is licking the camera. I love the Oscars!
5.59pm – Up wins! Thank goodness. My word that film was sheer delight.
6.00pm – Pete Docter makes a very quick but pleasant speech. Is it just me or is his head tiny?
6.01pm – Seyfried and Cyrus present the nominees for Best Original Song and slip over their lines again. A lot of teething pains this year.
6.03pm – Could a Colin Farrell-sung song win the prize?
6.04pm – Yes, ‘The Weary Kind’ takes it – first win for Crazy Heart.
6.06pm – Ouch, Chris Pine has to introduce District 9, which essentially nabbed the nomination from Star Trek. Who on earth thought that was a fair idea?!
6.11pm – Best Original Screenplay could call the rest of the night. Hurt Locker seems a lock, but Inglourious Basterds is a contender.
6.12pm – “Great movies begin with great writing,” says Tina Fey. So why is Avatar not in this category again…?
6.15pm – The Hurt Locker takes it. Interesting…
6.17pm – Mark Boal’s speech was simple but to the point. Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick talk about John Hughes. Don’t they usually do all the obituaries en masse?
6.19pm – This seems like an odd way to make the Oscars seem more mainstream. He made some fun films though.
6.22pm – And the stars of his films all come out. I wonder who else will get an homage like this?
6.23pm – Samuel L Jackson presents Up – no, don’t show the sad bits, I’ll cry!
6.28pm – Zoe Saldana and Carey Mulligan to present Best Animated Short Film.
6.31pm – No Pixar this year, though the fun Irish short Granny O’Grimm is worth a mention.
6.32pm – French short Logorama wins. Looks fun. Hope it’s up on YouTube…
6.33pm – Documentary Short now. I said it last year, I’ll say it again: where the hell can one see these?!
6.35pm – Music By Prudence get shuffled off stage by the orchestra pit. Poor them.
6.37pm – Danish short The new Tennants wins Best Short. That’s those three knocked down swiftly…
6.38pm – Ben Stiller as a Na’vi. Better idea than last year.
6.39pm – Best Makeup; here’s hoping for Il Divo. And Ben Stiller is rapidly becoming unfunny.
6.41pm – Na’vi tail joke = win! Win for Star Trek too. Guess it was deserved.
6.43pm – Jeff Bridges introduces A Serious Man. It is oddly under-represented at this year’s awards.
6.47pm – Best Adapted Screenplay. Lot of options. Up in the Air is the likely winner. In the Loop would be fun though.
6.48pm – Thank god they keep calling Precious just Precious. That is one exhausting title.
6.50pm – Precious (which I believe is based on the novel Push by Sapphire) wins.
6.52pm – Queen Latifah and Steve Martin have a bit of a flirt.
6.56pm – Robin Williams presents the Award for Best Supporting Actress. Alas, it’s got Mo’nique scribbled all over it, despite the two charming ladies from Up in the Air.
6.59pm – Mo’nique. Bo’ring.
7.00pm – A nice speech that one, shameless plug for BET though.
7.02pm – I’m sure I’ll see it eventually, but nothing about An Education made me want to rush to the cinema.
7.06pm – Sigourney Weaver presents Best Art Direction. Surely Avatar will dance home with this.
7.07pm – Avatar wins. The presenter kinda gave that away, no?
7.09pm – Tom Ford and Sarah Jessica Parker present the costume award. It’s like beauty and the bitch. Ha, I went there!
7.10pm – This is probably the most open category yet – The Young Victoria wins!
7.17pm – Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin do a Paranormal Activity skit. Brilliant.
7.18pm – Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner give a little talk on respect for horror films. If only we could respect these two worthless upstarts.
7.19pm – My word these are some obvious clips they’re showing.
7.23pm – Morgan Freeman talks about sound editing and mixing. I could listen to him all day.
7.24pm – Sound Editing – surely a win for Avatar?
7.25pm – Wow, The Hurt Locker takes a techie award. Shocking!
7.26pm – Sound Mixing, another for Hurt Locker perhaps?
7.26pm – Yes it is. If Revenge of the Fallen had won an Oscar I would have hunted every one of you down and killed you all.
7.27pm – Elizabeth Banks! Who are you?
7.29pm – Know what the problem with Inglourious Basterds was? The Inglourious Basterds – they were the worst part of their own film.
7.35pm – Sandra Bullock presents Best Cinematography. She’s already acting like she’s won Best Actress.
7.36pm – Avatar wins! Seriously? How hard is it to point a camera at a green wall?
7.38pm – Demi Moore is here for the roll call of the lost. Actually, there were few huge deaths in Hollywood this year. James Taylor sings The Beatles!
7.39pm – Dom DeLuise. Now I’m sad again.
7.41pm – Karl Malden, Patrick Swayze, Jack Cardiff?! I take it back, this was a terrible year!
7.43pm – Best Special Effects coming up. Thank god, finally, an award Avatar genuinely deserves!
7.46pm – First, Jennifer Lopez (oh dear) and Sam Worthington (oh lord, his accent is death) introduce the best scores, with dancers!
7.47pm – Never thought I’d see someone dance the robot to The Hurt Locker score.
7.48pm – Eugh, The Fantastic Mr Fox music sounds like Deliverance for kids.
7.49pm – The Up score is just enchanting. Oooh, ballet.
7.52pm – Yes! Michael Giacchino wins for Up. Such gorgeous music.
7.54pm – Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper present the Avatar Award for outstanding Avataryness.
7.55pm – One of these guys is Irish. Should I care? Which one? Can the Irish guy say something now?
7.56pm – Jason Bateman introduces Up in the Air. Finally, someone actually involved in the film!
8.01pm – Matt Damon is here to present the Best Documentary Feature award. Once again, I suspect I’ve seen none of these.
8.03pm – Ok, at least I’ve heard of The Cove and Food, Inc.
8.04pm – The Cove wins! Three great reasons to see it now, dolphins, Hayden Panettiere and now an Oscar!
8.05pm – And Fisher Stevens. I love Fisher Stevens!
8.06pm – Wow. Editing explained by a sexist simpleton. Now I know everything!
8.07pm – The Hurt Locker wins! Damn straight. Sublimely edited thriller that there Hurt Locker was.
8.13pm – Back to the hosts. My they’ve been dull.
8.14pm – Pedro Almodovar and Quentin Tarantino present Best Foreign Language Film. Why is this a separate category again? I suspect The White Ribbon will take it. Haneke’s film is damn haunting.
8.17pm – Wow, a surprise win – Argentinian film El Secreto de Sus Ojos takes the gong. Didn’t see that coming. “Thank you for not considering Na’vi a foreign language.” Nice.
8.18pm – Cathy Bates is here to masturbate Avatar. Thank goodness, we didn’t have anyone else doing that already.
8.22pm – Down to the last four. Here come the big ones! Acting gongs seem pretty predetermined.
8.25pm – Former co-stars come out to sing the praises of the Best Actor nominees. A much better idea than last year’s former idols approach.
8.27pm – This is almost too sweet. Finally, George Clooney doesn’t look miserable any more.
8.29pm – Poor Morgan Freeman, he’s really not supposed to be there.
8.30pm – Colin Farrell and Jeremy Renner spooned. Right. There’s the quote of the evening.
8.31pm – Why can’t Kate Winslet give me awards?
8.32pm – Jeff Bridges wins, utterly expectedly. Good for him!
8.33pm – Oh dear. He’s channelling the Dude just a little…
8.35pm – Wow, Jeff Bridges is really being allowed to talk!
8.39pm – Best Actresses now. God Sandra Bullock’s accent in that film is grating.
8.40pm – Oprah? Seriously?
8.40pm – Curious. Jeff Bridges went first, now Sandra Bullock. I see a pattern forming…
8.42pm – Helen Mirren: Royalty with a tattoo.
8.43pm – Carey Mulligan is so cute it makes me want to bite off my own arm. “We’re lucky she’s so young,” says Peter Sarsgaard. Which means: “You’ll win another year, dear.”
8.46pm – Oprah did not annoy me there. Maybe it’s time for to learn how to spell Gabourey Sidibe. Thanks Wikipedia!
8.47pm – God I hate Sean Penn. What is he prattling on about?
8.48pm – This is the first Academy Award and nomination for Sandra Bullock. What, she didn’t get one for Speed 2: Cruise Control?
8.51pm – She’s crying! Tears! Finally! Several hours, we finally got there!
8.53pm – Barbara Streisand is here to remind us that an African American and a woman are nominated for Best Director. Aw, bless.
8.54pm – Kathryn Bigelow takes it! Incredible stuff, and a huge upset for Megabucks Cameron. Not very important history is made, but history nevertheless.
8.57pm – Who’d have thought the director of a piece of piss like Near Dark could win an Oscar. Still, most deserved. Cameron looks none-too-pleased.
8.58pm – Tom Hanks gives Best Picture to The Hurt Locker! Amazing stuff. What a night! That’ll teach Avatar a lesson about actually waiting til the script has been finished to make the damn movie.
9.00pm – Well that’s a delightful surprise. Kathryn Bigelow is giving her final thanks and holding back the tears, dedicating her award to men and women in uniform the world over.
9.01pm – That ran over time a little. Very disappointing show but great awards, mostly deserved. Another fun night at the Oscars. Here’s to next year!
The Diary of a Film Cricket 