The Prometheus Dissenter’s Survival Guide

It’s OK, she can laugh about it now…

My initial reaction to Prometheus was sadness. It was a film I really wanted to enjoy, by a filmmaker I love, set in a fictional universe the workings of which had fascinated me since childhood. But I didn’t love it. I liked parts of it. Other parts made me confused, frustrated, even angry. Thankfully I learned in the coming weeks that I was not alone, and my own venting here helped me get over it and move on.

But I have realised that not everyone has a blog or other outlet for exorcising their disappointment, other than a shouting match down the pub, so here I have collected some of the best dissections and parodies of Prometheus I have found on the web over the past few weeks. All are attributed where I could find their source, and of course spoilers abound from this point in.

Enjoy.

Charismagic’s “Prometheus in 5 Minutes or Less” is an essential deconstruction, and contains gems such as:

INT. Prometheus. Day.

NOOMI RAPACE: *absent-mindedly wanders into Old Guy Pearce’s room. She is naked, covered in blood and has a STAPLED-SHUT gash across her stomach*

NOBODY: *reacts to this properly*

OLD GUY PEARCE: Hello, I actually totally wasn’t dead. I just felt it was best not to tell anyone this except the homicidal robot.

NOBODY: *reacts to this properly*

CHARLIZE THERON: You are so selfish for wanting to stay alive forever… FATHER! (to audience) I bet you didn’t see that coming, did you??

AUDIENCE: No, we figured that out within the first five minutes. But thank you for sledge-hammering the point home.

Red Letter Media, who can always be relied upon to give troubled filmmaking the lampooning it deserves, came out with this OCD-ishly nitpicky response. Some of these questions found plot holes within plot holes that I hadn’t even begun to notice.

Penny Arcade couldn’t resist the need to poke fun at one of the film’s silliest moments (which it’s worth remembering was stupefyingly shown in the trailer)

Problems with the Engineers were further addressed in text message form by Listen Eggroll’s “SMS Dialogue Between Noomi Rapace and an Engineer“. Having a conversation with your creator can never be a good thing.

But while the greater issues of creation, life and death have troubled viewers, more upset has been caused by the baffling actions of the scientists aboard the Prometheus, almost all of whom make some preposterous decision that completely goes against their specialist field at some stage in the movie. This video by Barely Political attempts to address what may have been some serious miscommunication on behalf of Weyland Industries.

Of all the pieces I have read on Prometheus, none has been as lengthy and scathing as this beauty, from, of all places, an online archaeology website – DigitalDigging.Net. It’s a long slog, but “Prometheus: An Archaeological Perspective (sort of)” is well worth it. Gems include:

“It seems that at least one part of the crew selection procedure took the form of a raffle at an arsehole convention.”

and

“[Idris Elba] tells them to stay put for the duration of the storm, which will blow out before morning. How he knows this is anyone’s guess – after all, he didn’t even see the storm coming, so perhaps he isn’t the most reliable of forecasters. But don’t worry. It’s not like anyone is likely to ask.”

If none of these links, images and videos has cheered you up and helped you get over you post-Prometheus depression, hopefully this last gif will. It caused me stomach pains from laughing so hard, as it beautifully sums up the role that David (Michael Fassbender) played throughout the movie.

And remember, after all, it is only a film…

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2 Comments

Filed under Film

2 responses to “The Prometheus Dissenter’s Survival Guide

  1. Haha, awesome post! I especially loved “Prometheus in 5 Minutes or Less”.

  2. Madison Smith

    Hi! Great site! I’m trying to find an email address to contact you on to ask if you would please consider adding a link to my website. I’d really appreciate if you could email me back.

    Thanks and have a great day!

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